Of Good and Of Evil: Vanilla Twilight
by Periosha Seville Andrews
Summary: A one-shot I wrote based on what had recently happened to me... it may sound a little exaggerated, but I'm only saying what I could remember... R&R if you wish


Hey Guys, I just wanted to give you guys something that had happened to me over 3 days ago... It started when I read what had happened to Wendy and her boyfriend... I can't really explain it, but this is the summary of what had happened.

* * *

Of Good and Of Evil: "Vanilla Twilight"

"_No more… No more…" _her heart screamed before it broke into pieces. The very shards of her pain brought me back into reality. I woke with an exasperated gasp. I began looking around the great blur that was my room. I flickered on the lamp on my night table and quickly put on my glasses. I looked at the clock still panting hard from my recent nightmare.

"2:30 in the morning… _again…_" I sighed as I got out of bed. I stretched my stiff body hoping to relax. Figured as much that my heart was racing about a mile an hour, as my breathing went totally erratic and uneasy. I decided to go to the kitchen for something to eat. Maybe that'll calm my nerve a little.

See, over the past few days, I've been struck with a very weird variety of dreams, visions, and nightmares. As the days progressed, so did the intensity of my dreams. The only _one_ thing they all had in common was that after a dream, I'd always wake up at exactly 2:30 in that morning. It's not a healthy habit, especially with school in the morning, swimming practice in the afternoon, and dancing and studies in the evening. These past few days were spent only with me snoozing off whenever I could, hoping to regain whatever amounts of sleep I lost.

I checked my computer for any emails that I might've received while I was asleep. As I checked, the memories of my recent nightmares began haunting me over and over. The weight it bore on me was rather uncomfortable. All these problems seem to circle around me, and I don't really know how or why I was involved. When I opened up my email's webpage, I was rather surprised at one particular email…

"_I am going to kill myself, I'll do it as painlessly as possible, I need to end my life right now. Jake died in my arms, both of us singing "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City, one of our favorite songs, written just for us..."_

That brought an unsuspecting gasp out of my mouth. I felt my heart crack a little as the nightmares recollected themselves in my head. The same pain I've hidden for weeks was slowly creeping its way back into me. I've tried for so long to keep it, but because this pain was somewhat similar, I couldn't believe my eyes as I scrolled down to the end of the email. I shook my head in disbelief, wondering if this was a joke. But no, I know the tone in the message. It was all too true.

Tears began to flow out of my already sleep-deprived eyes as the memories of my past torture haunted me…

_*Flashback*_

_"Did you know that mom was crying every time she talks about you two?" I remembered my sister scream at me._

"_You know, we have a name to make for ourselves, I mean, we're two girls studying in college already, and one of us is extending her schooling __just__to make it as a doctor… now it's time that__both of you__make a name for yourselves…" my other sister began spitting coldly at me._

_*End Flashback*_

Past horrors… past pains. Everything I tried to hide within me now was tormenting my already tortured mind.

* * *

"_The knife I failed to stab myself with…"_

"_The aunt I never got to know…"_

"_The friend I never listened to…"_

"_The bonds I forced myself to cut…"_

"_The Love that was never meant to be…"_

"_The pain I was forced to endure…"_

_

* * *

_

All of it… every bit of it… I wanted it all to go away. But, no. They returned, with interest at that. I would never blame her for what she told me. I kept the rest of her complications a secret, mostly because she told me if I could keep them secret, to which I agreed.

Her wanting to commit suicide is unjust. She didn't go through what I had been through. She didn't feel the pain of having the entire school turn their backs on you. Badmouthing you and calling you a freak. Your friends turning out to be nothing but a band of backstabbers just _waiting_ for the right moment to strike. Once my guard was down, they stabbed me hard. Their knives wrung deep within my heart, making me cry out in agony. But my cries fell upon deaf ears as I had no other choice but to face my problems alone.

My family promised they could help me out. But how can they support me when I feel nothing but guilt? I've caused them so much pain. I've caused everyone pain… there's nothing worth living for anymore in my life. The love I once was willing to give was thrown away by the one promise my first love and I could never keep.

Her soft voice muffled in tears as she told me…

"_I really wish we could be together… but I believe its best we go our separate ways… it's not you… it's me…"_

My heart was already hurt enough. Now, I have to add more pain to my already broken conscience. The pains of reaching toward futile goals are all that lies ahead of me now. I wanted to forget about my life, I just wanted to end it… but how can I do that when I've done the one thing I thought I could never do again…

To create ties… _friends…_ _best_ friends… _LOVE…_

None of it seemed to make sense. I just wanted to end it here and now, let out my sorrow. I began to write down my experiences of pain and betrayal, only to find out that they were the only things that I could ever remember.

"I'm messed up…" I spat sympathetically. I began punching the walls angrily. With every punch, I wanted to forget the pain by covering it with a new set of pain. The punching lasted several minutes until I felt my right hand sprain. The pain was terrible, at the same time deserving. I moved to the next thing that popped into my head. I began to literally bang my head against the wooden wall. With each impact hard on my forehead. I felt my head trickle with blood, but I didn't care. It felt good to remove the guilt I've hidden within me for so long. I then grabbed my favorite knife from my knife drawer, and sliced the middle part of my already sprained right arm. To add more punishment to myself, I slice a calamansi (or Asian Lime) and poured it all over the wound, making me cry out in utter agony as the acid began to sting the open cut. I let myself plop onto the floor and continued to cry as my speakers began to play the very music I never wanted to hear since she left.

* * *

_The stars lean down to kiss you__  
__And I lie awake and miss you__  
__Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere__  
_

I always hated this song… but I always had the urge to sing along. With a hoarse, pained voice, I tried to sing to the tune as the tears began to flow freely as I sat near the foot of my computer table.

_'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly__  
__But I'll miss your arms around me__  
__I'd send a postcard to you, dear__  
__'Cause I wish you were here_

_I'll watch the night turn light-blue__  
__But it's not the same without you__  
__Because it takes two to whisper quietly_

_The silence isn't so bad__  
__'Til I look at my hands and feel sad__  
__'Cause the spaces between my fingers__  
__Are right where yours fit perfectly_

_I'll find repose in new ways__  
__Though I haven't slept in two days__  
__'Cause cold nostalgia__  
__Chills me to the bone_

_But drenched in vanilla twilight__  
__I'll sit on the front porch all night__  
__Waist-deep in thought because__  
__When I think of you I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone__  
_

Her face, her smile… everything I thought could have happened never happened… yet why is it that she is always there?

_As many times as I blink__  
__I'll think of you tonight__  
__I'll think of you tonight__  
_

The pains began to worsen as I sang to the melody. I hiccupped sobs and choked back tears as I reached the climax of the song.

_When violet eyes get brighter__  
__And heavy wings grow lighter__  
__I'll taste the sky and feel alive again_

_And I'll forget the world that I knew__  
__But I swear I won't forget you__  
__Oh, if my voice could reach__  
__Back through the past__  
__I'd whisper in your ear__  
__Oh darling, I wish you were here_

_

* * *

_

As the song faded to its end, my tears began to flow once more as I yelled out as loud as my lungs could bring me, waking up the entire house in the process. My mom and dad were totally shocked at my condition, and immediately rushed me to the hospital. The doctors treated my wounds, my parents paid the bills, and we left in total silence.

My parents were far too tired to wonder what had happened to me, I never left their sight, and they never left mine as they told me to sleep on the mattress on the floor in their room. What they didn't know was that, almost six years worth of guilt, anger and sadness had been let out and now has quadrupled into my heart. My mind and subconscious still not shaking off the pains that brought me nightmares.

* * *

To Wendy: Please don't think you're the only one suffering… you may have you problems now, but at least you have friends you can approach. I have no one as of now… no one other than penpals and chat-friends… but not any of them are nearby. Unlike you, you have Simkaye, and possibly others.

I'm always here for you… I don't want you to suffer as much as I am right now. Trust me; this kind pain WILL make you want to consider suicide. I've had enough experience with hiding the reality of my condition from others, and it isn't easy.

"Pain is a feeling that one cannot bear alone, but there are who have suffered far worse than you. They can share and assist in your current pain. So as you do not reach the level of theirs."

Take Care. And I really pray that you do not suffer as much or more than me…

"Living it my way…"

-Periosha


End file.
